Artwork by Janelle Lassalle

“ALL HAIL CBX”

FADE IN:

INT - OFFICE - DAY

A dimly lit office. Inside a soulless looking balding man, PETE, sits at his desk by the window and gazes deeply into a blaring, industrial strength light lamp. 

Rap tap tap! A knock on the window jolts him out of his stupor. Pete turns to find a cheery middle-aged woman, KATE, smiling and waving at him. She gestures for him to open the window; he does.

Kate climbs in through the window. She’s wearing a bright pink suit with crispy realtor hair and begins to address the audience.

KATE

Do you curse the day you were born? Does looking in the mirror make you want to quit your job and go on a homicidal rampage? 

(PETE NODS VIGOROUSLY. HIS CO-WORKER MICHAEL LOOKS AGHAST.)

MICHAEL

Um...excuse me miss but this is private pro—

KATE

(louder)

Do you find your butthole clenches furiously with every breath you take? Does sunlight hurt? Is living life just too hard?

AUDIENCE
(O.S)

AWWWW.

(MICHAEL WILDLY LOOKS AROUND SEARCHING FOR THE SOURCE OF THE NOISE. MEANWHILE A SOLEMN PETE STIFLES A CRY IN HIS THROAT.)

PETE

I...I wasn’t going to tell anyone but—

(HANDS SHAKING, PETE OPENS A DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A GUN. KATE BITCH SLAPS IT OUT OF HIS HAND WITHOUT EVER BREAKING HER EYE CONTACT WITH THE AUDIENCE.)

KATE

I’m going to need you to hush your hot baby mouth for one quick sec there, Petey, because there’s no need for last resorts when you have...CBX!!

CUT TO:

PRODUCT PLACEMENT SHOT.

NARRATOR

(V.O)

CBX is the first nearly FDA approved all-natural compound exclusively designed to treat EVERYTHING. That’s right: we said everything. What ails you?

CUT TO:

EXT - PORCH - DAY

A sweet looking old lady with a gaunt face sits in a rocking chair on the porch. This is GRANDMA HEIDI. She’s hooked up to a large iron lung type of machine and smokes a cigarette.

GRANDMA HEIDI

I have incurable stage 3 lung cancer!

CUT TO:

INT - EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY

A smiling man in his early 30’s, KYLE, sits in a hospital bed. His eyeball loosely dangles outside of its socket. 

KYLE

I’ve been impaled by a twenty ton truck!

CUT TO:

EXT - DISNEYLAND - DAY

A bald nine year old kid holding a balloon in his hand beams at the camera.

KID

I’ve been told I won’t make it to my next birthday!

CUT TO:

INT - PSYCHIATRIC WARD - NIGHT

A gagged man strapped to the bed, ALEX, howls and screams as he tries to break free.

CUT TO:

EXT - GARDENS - DAY

B-ROLL footage depicts the blind SISTERS EGO and CECILY harvesting CBX. They pick leaves from the plant at random and shove them up their noses, down their shirts and up their HOO-HAS. A few nuns take turns rubbing the leaves into each other’s faces. Pleasure washes over them.

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

Grown under the most organic west coast sunlight and harvested by highly trained blind nuns, CBX is an almost-FDA approved plant extract strong enough to heal any injury without having to rely on the pesky burden of scientific evidence! You’ll also be pleased to know no animals were harmed in the making of this product since we only test on the finest broke college students and junkies all across America.

CUT TO:

EXT - STREET - DAY

A cracked out looking grey-faced teen named COLIN gives the camera a shaky thumbs up.

CUT TO:

An animated sequence plays. The “micro-organisms” are small, cell-like XENOMORPHIC CREATURES.

NARRATOR

(V.O)

CBX works by filling your insides with clusters of specially trained sentient, micro-organisms capable of intelligent thought. Once the embryos attach to your intestinal walls they’ll hatch open and carefully hijack your DNA to create a specialized version of your body even you can stand to look at.

CUT TO:

INT - HOSPITAL - DAY

A considerably more ill version of the bald nine year old kid is lies in a hospital bed clutching an INDUSTRIAL SIZED container of CBX. He hugs it tightly.

KID

CBX is my best friend.

CUT TO:

EXT - FRONT LAWN - DAY

A forty something mom, MELISSA, whose eyes bleed as she smiles into the camera.

MELISSA

CBX gives me energy!

CUT TO:

INT - EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY

Kyle rubs CBX into his still dangling eye. He pops it back into place. His eyes turn red as he sprouts horns.

KYLE

CBX gave me the gift of SIGHT!

CUT TO:

INT - PSYCHIATRIC WARD - NIGHT

A team of nurses use shovels to dump generous globs of CBX onto the gagged Alex still strapped to the bed. 

CUT TO:

INT - HOSPITAL - DAY

The bald kid begins to convulse. He coughs up a good amount of blood before spitting out what appears to be tiny goo covered FACE HUGGERS. Nurses flock to his bed to hold him down as the Face Huggers begin to subdue various members of the staff. The slimy Face Huggers fly everywhere as staff writhe in panic on the floor, frantically trying to remove the foreign invader in their throat. As voiceover continues and fades all staff are eventually immobile on the ground.

Superimposed over the silent sequence is a wall of text listing various side effects.

NARRATOR

(V.O)

Consult with your doctor to see if CBX is right for you. Potential side effects include:

Sneezing or whooping cough

Explosive diarrhea

Itchy eyes or skin tearing compulsions

Howling at the moon

Fits of rage 

Accidental dismemberment

Snails coming out of your mouth

A painful, permanent erection

Illusions of grandeur

Kidney stones

Tapeworms

Popping a cap in everyone’s sorry ass

Coma

NARRATOR

(V.O)

These side effects may worsen over time. 

CUT TO:

INT - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Kate looks visibly steamed, almost post-orgasm, even. She removes her fist from her mouth and fans herself. 

An ecstatic Pete wipes tears of joy away from his face. Michael is horrified.

MICHAEL

Look ma’am, I don’t know where you came from but you need to leave no—

KATE

Settle down there, Mikey boy. In fact, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to debut our exclusive new CBX face pod!!

(KATE HOLDS UP WHAT SEEMS TO BE A T-SHIRT CANNON. SHE FIRES IT INTO MICHAEL’S FACE. A GIANT FACE HUGGER COVERED IN BLUE GOO ENGULFS IT AND BEGINS TO MAKE SUCKING NOISES.)

KATE

There, there Mike. You’re all better now...thanks to—

KATE and AUDIENCE

CBX!

END WITH FACE HUGGERS MAULING CROWD MEMBERS